As you may know a little over a year ago I became an amateur idol. However it seems like hardly any time has passed since I’ve been spending nearly everyday in pursuit of expanding my reach. While I was still in university I had to take harsh dance and vocal lessons in between my actual schoolwork. Things only got more intense after graduating. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining or anything but it was so exhausting! However my producer always stayed by my side to support and encourage me in her own…unique way.
I kept getting better and better so I was really excited when June 31st rolled around. My heart kept racing as the minutes to my first ever concert neared. It was nothing like those recordings or karaoke sessions I was used to. As I stepped onto the dark stage just moments away from showtime I could only think of whether I looked okay and prayed that I wouldn’t forget my lines.
The spotlights temporarily blinded me as they illuminated the stage so reacting instinctively I covered my eyes with my right hand. Once I realized what I was doing though I quickly altered my hand’s motion slightly so that I was waving at the audience. Soon after my eyes adjusted to the light and to my dismay I saw that there weren’t as many fans in the crowd as I had hoped. I didn’t think I would be singing to a packed house but seeing so many empty seats pained my heart. Trying not to let things get to me I cheered myself up and performed my set list which included Happy Girl. The crowd cheered me on so I would like to think I did fairly well. Even if not many fans had come to see me I at least wanted to please those that did show up.
Once the concert was over producer announced that there would be an autograph session for those interested. It may have been a temporary state of elation from singing my lungs out but for some reason I was still excited to meet my dedicated if few fans so I decided to set up my CDs and concert t-shirts myself. I sat patiently at my table for my fans to start arriving but there was hardly a sound. I waited for what seemed like forever when I finally heard some light footsteps. Wanting to give a good impression I put on my best smile. However it was worthless as the only one to receive it was producer. I tried my best to hold in the tears but it was useless. Producer tried to console me but all I did was push her away. My head was so foggy that I forgot to get my belongings so I ended up running back home through the rain.
I was quite depressed for several weeks although looking back it was quite silly of me. Producer kept trying to check up on me but I was unresponsive. I must have made it hard for her. I really hope she got over it. The actual details are fuzzy in my mind due to my mental state during that period but at some point I decided that I couldn’t mope around my house reading BL manga all day.
A few months after the concert incident producer and I got together and formulated a new plan of attack. Objectively speaking my CDs were selling decently enough. The problem was that there didn’t seem to be much if any growth of my fanbase. Talking it over with producer we decided to take a gamble and expand my activities to bring in new fans and strengthen bonds with existing ones. At some point producer suggested that I take my love of cosplay and go into AV. I was completely against it but for some reason her glasses fogged up at the idea. It’s really scary trying to imagine what’s going on in that head of hers!
Perhaps it was a little rash but I decided that I wanted to keep singing while I pursued other venues. My first attempt was manga but it was a lot more time consuming than I had expected. At points I was collapsing in front of my desk in awkward positions and later regaining consciousness in a half-dazed state as if I had somehow miraculously survived being shot in the back of the head or drugged then mugged. Fortunately producer found another opportunity for us to try before I had actually died. Unfortunately she told me about it while I was partially unconscious so I agreed to it without actually understanding what she was talking about.
Fast forward to January. Producer and I were waiting at the same coffee shop where we had first met offline. After some time a young gentlemen barely any older than myself approached us. He was the founder and president of a small game development studio and incidentally one of my fans. It turns out he was at my concert and dazzled by my performance. Sadly he couldn’t stay for the signing session due to business obligations. Somehow he heard about my dilemma and wanted to help. He said he wanted me to do some artwork and sing the theme song as well as some other miscellaneous things for a game. Overjoyed at the prospect of making a game I gladly accepted his generous offer without hesitation.
A couple days later I showed up at the office to start my first day of game development. When he said it was a small game studio he didn’t mention it was this small. The president introduced me to the staff and formally informed me of my new duties. It turned out that I was responsible for all the character artwork and the vocal tracks. In addition I had to voice the main character who he adamantly insisted was based on me. The thought of essentially having to play myself in a game was so embarrassing! However my initial minor worries would not be superseded by the full soul-crushing truth of the affair until several months into production.
I had read a good portion of the script already so I could get a strong image in my mind of the story and characters. At the insistence of the president however I was kept in the dark for later parts so that I would be just as surprised as the main character or so the president said. When the time finally came to work on the first of these special scenes I finally knew what was going on. (In retrospect it should have been very obvious but I suppose I was too used to doing less questionable material in the past.)
“I want to become one with you. I want to create a child with you!” Are you serious? Does anyone actually say this? I couldn’t draw something so embarrassing even if I wanted to! I confronted the president and told him I couldn’t draw such lewd material. He told me that we couldn’t change course now and that I was contractually obligated to do this. I didn’t want to but I had to acquiesce anyway. Beside my artist’s pride would not allow someone to tell me I couldn’t draw something!
It was extremely difficult at first since I had to draw while everyone was working around me not to mention my experience is…solely from the depths of my mind fueled by questionable manga. I knew I couldn’t continue mentally without turning to someone for help. I really didn’t associate freely with the staff since I was a bit scared honestly so I spent lunch eating by myself and reading BL manga. By the way that would not work for this game for very obvious reasons. The only choice I had was to consult with producer during one of my days off.
On one such day I invited producer to my house. I invited her in and we sat in the living room across from each other. The awkward silence felt so weird as I tried to find the right words to ask her. Gah, this sounds like some awfully done confession! Not knowing how to phrase it I simply blurted out “I don’t know how it works!” as I did strange gestures with my fingers. For a while it’s quiet and all I could do was bury my face in a pillow.
“Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll…show…you…how. Fufufu.”
Looking up I saw producer approaching me slowly as if possessed by a demon. She jumped on top of me on the sofa and in a scare I attempted to push her away but it was futile. I was powerless. The only movement that came from me was from my chest as I started breathing heavily. She extended her right hand to my cheek and brought her face toward mine. As if reacting to my breathing she started panting and her face flushed red.
“You’re so cute! You know how much I’ve tried to hold back? I’m finally…gonna get a taste of you!”
In a desperate grasp for my purity I managed to say a single thing. “I’ve only been kissed once!”
“I’ll make you forget that first kiss.” She didn’t stop her approach so I closed my eyes as a warm sensation came upon my lips and tongue. I don’t know what happened after that but I awoke in my bed with tears in my eyes. I turned to my side to find producer sleeping with a grin on her face.
In the end I technically didn’t learn what I needed to know or more precisely I couldn’t remember so every couple of days producer stays over to give me special lessons. The way producer touches me feels weird but for some reason deep in my chest I don’t want it to end. Perhaps I’m learning to like it. I kind of want to ask my friends but I’m scared of what they’ll think. So here I am having a weird relationship with my producer as I draw and voice an H game and only singing on the side. I’m ruined for marriage and I guess I’m no longer a regular idol. I hope producer will take responsibility ;_;